Carried
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and this year the timing was incredibly poignant.
There were a lot of things I’d hoped to do to honor our sweet angel babes this month, but this October required recovery, rest, and healing.
So this is what I have for you, friends: a thank you and a giveaway.
Thank you for coming alongside us, for carrying us as we navigate this miscarriage just as you carried us in joy with Lora and through the deaths of mom and Norah. Y'all love us so well.
You have done so many kind things for us, but simply acknowledging our experience has been the best gift of all.
For many, August's life will be no more permanent than dust in the wind. For us, August's life is a scar on our hearts. When you acknowledge our experience and remember August, you recognize that August existed and you honor our family in its entirety.
Below I’m sharing a few of the ways you’ve helped us. My hope is that this list may provide you or someone you know with a few simple ideas for how to help other hurting hearts in the future.
My biggest piece of advice for those who come alongside the bereaved is this: instead of joining the chorus of, "Let me know how I can help!", say "I'm going to help you and here's how." Simply show up.
The thing about "Let me know how I can help" is that while obviously well-intended, it unintentionally puts the ownership of the decision on the person experiencing acute grief. At least initially, any energy they have for decision-making is often quickly drained by simply getting through the day. Thinking of ways others could help them is tough when they're already struggling to remember to attend to their own basic needs and those of their family while also likely coordinating the logistics of managing the loss (funeral arrangements, insurance management, medical procedure coordination, communication of the loss, workplace management, etc.).
So here are five simple ways to for you to show up for your grieving loved ones (with the big caveat that everything should be tailored to the unique loss experience and your relationship to the grieving person.)
Comforting words. Send a text, email, or mail a card. Sharing a simple message is always a beautiful gift. A response may not always come, but the messages are all seen and cherished. Shared stories, songs, or scripture often find us in just the right moment; music can uplift and encourage or simply sit with us in our lamentation. Scripture never returns void.
Photos: Sending photos that are reminders or captured memories of the loved one are true treasures. We've received photos of simple moments where the sender thought of August, Norah, or Mom and it warms my heart to see the moment they existed in someone else's mind captured in a tangible way. One of my Aunts shared this beautiful image by Zenja Gammer which brought me to tears in the best way:
by Zenja Gammer
Remembrance gifts: Thoughtful gifts can act as physical reminders not only of the loved one they’re missing, but of the supportive embrace of their community. A few examples of gifts we’ve received while grieving August: Flowers at our home the day of my first surgery. A water bottle for Lora decorated with a fox (for Norah) and a butterfly (for August). A care package designed specifically for miscarriage. A crystal suncatcher with a touching poem. A necklace to represent the life we lost. Treasured tangibility.
Food. Meals are one of the most common ways to support those grieving. For good reason; not only are those in acute grief in no mental state to meal plan, grief can also manifest physically.
With August, I lost my appetite for about a month. Combine that with my inability to concentrate/organize my thoughts (another result of grief) and planning meals has been like walking through mud. Sloppy joes, lasagna or a hotdish may seem simple, but they not only fill our bellies, they free up mental space.
We've had friends and family stop by and prepare supper for us, drop meals on our porch, send gift cards or delivery, chocolate covered strawberries, and even surprise me with a few bucks in Venmo for coffee. After Mom died, Dad was even gifted some HelloFresh meals, and that is another wonderful way to help, especially if the grieving person finds joy in cooking.
A few notes on food:
Simple is best. Simple storage, simple prep, simple cleanup.
You can ask those closest to the grieving for food preferences. If you do ask the grievers directly, keep it simple. Say “I’m going to bring you a meal, are there any allergies or likes/dislikes I should be aware of? And would frozen or fresh be better for you right now?”
Meals tend to come pouring in immediately, then drop off quickly. An extra thoughtful way to give food would be to provide a meal a few weeks later, when the initial wave of support has eased.
Acts of service: Helping with things like lawn care, laundry, house cleaning, or general maintenance can help lift the burden of life’s never-ending to-do lists. Self-care is important here too – spending some time outside together, sending a gift card for a massage or spa experience, even just having a glass of wine together can provide space to breathe, grieve, and process. (I reiterate the importance of this being tailored to the person you’re supporting. For example – Lane’s 'self-care' consists of hunting or working on a project in the shop, while mine looks more like spa time). In the most acute moments of our grief with August, friends and family stepped up to care for Lora, giving us a moment to catch our breath.
Now to celebrate you!
As a gift for anyone who makes (or has made) a direct donation to Team Norah 2020 of $100 or more by Friday 10/30 at midnight CST, we will send you a free Wild Hope Revival coffee mug!
AND we are giving away a $25 gift card to Sage and Sara Candles PLUS a free Wild Hope Revival mug to one lucky winner! All you have to do to enter the giveaway is subscribe to the Hello, Norah email list (if you were subscribed already that counts too!) and comment below. In the comment, celebrate someone who has helped you this past year! The giveaway ends this Friday (10/30) at midnight CST and we will contact the winner via email Saturday (10/31) morning!
Once again, thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.
XOXO
Joanna, Lane, Norah, Lora, and August
